In the 8 weeks of my baby's life thus far, I've experienced and learned a lot! I was incredibly surprised at how fast recovery from birth felt—I expected it to be painful, difficult, and long, but it was actually very quick. After the epidural wore off, I was able to start getting up to walk to and from the bathroom with a little help. By the end of that first day, I was able to walk up and down the hall while pushing the hospital bassinet with my baby and I could take a shower by myself. I was on a lot of Ibuprofen, but nothing stronger. I felt surprisingly good.
On the second day, I felt even better and went on a longer walk in the halls and got discharged from the hospital that afternoon. I sat criss-cross on the couch at home with a padsicle on and held my baby with no issues. It was fantastic! In that first week, I showered and felt good and capable enough to even shave my legs! Even with a second degree tear, a dinner plate sized internal wound, and a uterus returning to its normal size, I was very capable and energetic. To top it all off, I felt emotionally well and happy—I wasn't stressed, depressed, or angry like I feared I would be. I did get a bit weepy every now and then in the first 2 weeks, but otherwise, I was very stable. This was particularly miraculous because before pregnancy, I experienced severe depression and anxiety.
The most difficult part has been the breastfeeding journey, though. For me, breastfeeding was extremely painful. I believed she had a tongue-tie, but apparently that's not the cause. To make matters worse, my newborn often wouldn't wake up for feedings and in the times she did, she would scream when I brought her to my breast which was discouraging and tragic. We had to use formula very early on to make sure she was eating enough—or sometimes at all. That sparked a favoritism for the bottle because it was so much easier for her than the breast. So I have been exclusively pumping since 2 or 3 weeks postpartum and using formula as needed. Pumping has been hard. It's time consuming and can be a bit emotionally exhausting because I wanted so much for breastfeeding to be a part of the time to bond with my baby, but pumping is a bit disconnected. I am working on weaning off the pump because it has been difficult to keep up with it since my husband has gone back to work—pumping separately from our daughters feeding time is a lot to do and is often not fast enough when she gets hungry. I have never produced enough milk for a full feeding and it's only reducing over time. As I write this, I'm working on pumping and have produced only 0.2oz after 15 minutes on each side. So, we primarily do formula at this point.
There have been lots of wonderful parts in my postpartum, though. I think that people are a bit too harsh to soon-to-be parents by telling them that parenting is hard and horrible; they should be grateful for their sleep before their baby comes; and it will only be a strain on your relationship. I have had a very different experience than that—I have been loving postpartum, time with my baby, and the lack of sleep is definitely there, but not as bad as I was made to believe. It has all been much more manageable than I feared it would be. I don't take it for granted how blessed I am that my baby is a good one—she's a pretty good sleeper and eats as well as she can—but there are still hard days and they haven't overwhelmed and overstimulated me as much as I expected them to. I'm so grateful for that because it has helped me be a more present and understanding mother. I adore the time I get with her as a SAHM—I'm able to hold her on my chest for her naps throughout the day and watch her learn every facial expression under the sun in her sleep; I get to see her figure out smiling and making sounds while she's awake; I'm a witness to her learning as she looks at everything around her with the widest eyes I've ever seen on a baby. It's delightful!
As for my marriage, becoming parents has only strengthened our relationship. I will share in a future post about my pregnancy, but for now I'll say that the difficulty I experienced provided my husband with an opportunity to serve and love me deeper than ever before. I don't think I could have ever known how much he truly loves me without that time and it has made me appreciate him more than I ever have. That experience plus our continued journey in serving each other through being active parents has showed me that I can be loved in a way I never even thought possible. And that I can love in a way deeper than I thought I was capable. Our marriage is stronger because it's been through the refining fire of parenthood. It's hard—finding time for things like intimacy, relaxing together as a couple, and going on dates is quite the challenge—but I think the love and lessons we've had have been so worth it.
I am also incredibly blessed to have an amazing support system through my husband, my family, his family, and lots of dear friends that dote on me and my baby girl. They have been critical to me having a positive postpartum experience. Our mothers packed us up so we could move at 3 weeks postpartum easier and meal-prepped several freezer meals. My sister and her spouse came to spend time with us and watch our baby every day for the first few weeks so we could take breaks as needed. My best friends brought food, snacks, perineal care items, self care things, and lots of gifts for the baby that have been so helpful (diapers, clothes, etc). My husband ensures that I get the rest I have needed to recover and he takes care of any task that might be too much strain on my body for now. I have had to become better at accepting service and I am so thankful for that lesson and for all these incredible people who have ministered to me throughout this amazing life transition.
Overall, I feel that my postpartum experience has been beautiful and exactly what I've needed. Most days, I feel better than I did pre-pregnancy! I feel like God's favorite, which I hope is something that we can all feel at least once in our lives. I'm grateful for this beginning into motherhood and the ways I am growing. I am so grateful for how good it's been; I know it has the capacity to be terrible, and I'm not sure how my future postpartums will be, but I am so blessed with what I am experiencing now.
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