Almost A Mom

 I was almost a mom, kind of. I think Seth and I have a baby in heaven now, at least. Last week, I should have gotten my period and took a test which resulted in a positive. The next day was negative. I decided to take a break for a few days, but on Saturday the 25th, I felt in my heart and soul that I was pregnant. Symptoms from me and my husband made me believe it, but more than that it was like a spiritual knowledge that my baby was with me at the time. On the 26th, we got our solid positive test and we were so excited, so we told all of our family members immediately, because I have never understood waiting to tell others.

    My birthday was on Monday and it was perfect so we could tell all my family members that were in town. It was wonderful. Because I had suspected from the Wednesday before that I may be pregnant, I purchased a pregnancy journal and some small announcement gifts for them that I figured I could save for the future if I wasn't pregnant. But because I was, I started the journal immediately.

    We wanted to test again because my symptoms dipped and we wanted to be certain. I got 2 negative tests. It was the most confusing string of tests—positive, negative, positive, negative, negative. So I called my OB/GYN to get a blood test and confirm what was going on. That resulted in a negative test. I had had a chemical pregnancy, which is a pregnancy that is lost in the first 5 weeks. It was barely even there before it was gone.

    I got the call that the blood test was negative on the 28th. I was sad, but I wasn't nearly as devastated as I would have thought I would be. I was also at dinner with my husband, mom, sister, and her girlfriend, so I was glad I was able to share the news with them, but it was bizarre and unreal to me. I was quiet the rest of our time together, but also felt like nothing crazy had happened.

    Honestly, I hadn't really started processing and feeling it all until today—when the bleeding started. It just seems like a normal period because it was such an early loss. And I'm so grateful that God allowed my body to wait to pass it until I had a day with a scheduled temple trip and lots of time to myself so I could think.

    I have been doing a lot of self-care, especially today, and I'm doing very well despite our disappointment, sadness, and grief. Even now, it's not as deeply depressing and intense as I would have thought, but I think that's mostly because we had only known about the baby for 2 days before it was gone. We only had enough time to be initially excited, not enough to process it, let it sink in, and build a deep attachment with our child. I'm grateful for that, honestly. I'm glad we were able to know about it at all, although I'm also grieving for a bit for all the missed experiences we would have with that child. 

    I did 5 names of initiatory ordinances at the temple today, and while it was lovely and brought me peace, it also felt very heavy as I thought about how my baby hadn't even developed its body before it was gone. As my body and mind were blessed, I prayed to the Lord for comfort to know that my baby will have the body and mind that it deserves in the eternities. Each name I did, I felt heavier and it felt harder and harder for me to continue, but I knew I could get through it with the Lord and that He would help me be blessed because of the work. I've never had that sort of experience—usually it gets lighter and more joyous with every repetition for me, but today was different. And that's okay. I still felt the Spirit, the Comforter, with me and bringing me what I needed.

    I don't know what our baby's gender would have been and I don't know exactly how it all works—if that soul just wasn't ready yet and will come as my next child, or if it was it's own soul that has already completed its dip in mortality or how it works. But in case it was it's own, I wanted to name our first angel baby with something gender-neutral. Their name, to us, is Alex. 

    I also wanted to say, thank you so much for your support, prayers, and care! It's much appreciated. I probably won't talk about Alex too much with too many people, but I wanted to record my experience and Alex's existence. I don't know what to talk to others about and I don't know what kind of help I want or need and I don't know what to do when people ask me how they can help, so if you ask and I don't answer, that's why. We're doing as well as we can be! I trust my body to self-regulate, I'm grateful for Seth's love, compassion, and care for our angel baby, and I know that God is always good. Thank you.