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Trying Is Hard

 We have been ttc (trying to conceive) for about 4-5 months now, and it's been an interesting journey. We're still not pregnant, but we're hopeful! I knew it would be hard, but I didn't expect it to be as much of an emotional roller coaster as it is. In a month, you will menstruate, and after it ends you wait for signs of ovulation (egg white discharge, energy) and take some ovulation tests to confirm it and you're excited, then you wait another 2 weeks—hyperaware of any symptom that might indicate pregnancy, but could also be symptoms of PMS or anything else in the female body—and you pray that you're having a safe, healthy implantation. And if/when you start menstruating again, you're incredibly disappointed, frustrated, and feel a sense of loss and inadequacy. 

    It's difficult to want something so badly and be doing all the right things, but it's not happening as soon as you hoped. I didn't expect the jealousy and discouragement I have felt when I've seen my friends announce their pregnancies. I didn't expect to look up "symptoms of pregnancy", "symptoms of ectopic pregnancy", "symptoms of chemical pregnancy", and so much more so many times a month. And it was especially hard in the first 2 months as I insisted on specific routines—including our diet, exercise, and sex life—just before and during ovulation. 

    It has become somewhat easier as I've been able to change my mindset a bit. I don't want our desire to have children to become an interference in my marriage, so we are trying to put less pressure on ourselves to get pregnant and just have fun and enjoy our time together and learning how to have a joyous and fulfilling sexual experience. Seth has been so helpful while I've been trying to adjust my thoughts towards it—he's always willing to listen to my thoughts and feelings and discuss things. That emotional intimacy between us has enhanced our sexual experience and deepened our love in our marriage as a whole. 

    I'm still doing a lot of research to help our chances of conceiving, but I'm not being as obsessive about everything. We're focusing on our faith, serving others, enjoying our time as newlyweds, and loving each other completely. It is certainly not easy, but we're doing better and making progress. And we'll have children when God chooses to bless us with them!

    I just wanted to share my experiences and send love to anyone also going through this! TTC is hard and I'm glad that I'm now able to understand the feelings that other women TTC feel so I can empathize better. I trust that God has everything figured out for us though and we'll all get to be moms in some way or another. May you find some peace in your journey!

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